The funnies have left the room

Its not like I was funny before, but I certainly feel painfully unfunny right now. Remember how I used to have that insomnia problem where I couldn't sleep until the sun came out, almost like a vampire? Well, I thought that the problem was licked after a couple of months of proper sleeping habits. Turns out, it ain't licked after all. Its 4.28 am right now and I officially feel like shit. Tried sleeping, only to end up lying on my back, worrying about financial problems.

I don't know man... I got up to read some blogs just to try and destress. Read a couple of funny ones (which makes you wonder - are they really that funny in real life? I mean, their blogs are side splittingly funny, so when you meet them in real life, are they really a laugh a minute and really witty to boot or do they just try to be clever and funny in their blogs? I havn't met many bloggebrities (blogging celebrities) in real life except for Rambotan (and I assure he is as funny in real life as he is in his blog. Funny how life turns out. I hated the sight of him in RJ. thought he was a pussy.) as well as a couple of photologs (Blogs with very little content but are filled with bee-yoo-ti-ful photos of their picture perfect lives. fuck. I hate you guys. I want your lives)

There are some people out there whom you can't help but admire, simply because they're so together y'know? They seem to know exactly where they're heading, exactly what they want and exactly what needs to be done next. They're confident, articulate and they seem so... what's the term here - organized? boring? predictable? Whatever the term is, the fact remains that they know what they want out of life. And at 4.28 am, that's what I want too. Maybe I'm getting a little tired of the whole unpredictability that was once my greatest attraction in the eyes of others.

Just the other day, Pearl called me out of the blue, telling me about this magazine which required writers on a contract basis. Suddenly, I'm a writer. If I get that freelance writing gig, I'd officially have been writing for three magazines - all in the space of a month. Which brings me to my next point - how unpredictable life is.

When I was a kid, I NEVER wanted to be a writer. An actor, yes. A businessman, yes. A lawyer, yes. A writer? No. There's no money in writing and believe me, writer's block has to be one of the most irritating things anyone can ever go through. Do I consider myself to be a good writer? Far from it. I can easily pick out many bloggers who are much better writers than me (and bloggers aren't even bona fide writers, no less). So is that who I am? A writer?

Just the other day, Ling told me over msn that I seem more together these days - more toned down. Which is funny, seeing as how if anything, I'm at the point in my life where I don't have a clue what it is that I want to do with my life. Maybe Dana was right when she said that every single time she meets me, I appear lost to her. Little lost boy. I like that. Almost has a Michael Jackson quality to it.

But you know what? Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way. Maybe knowing what I want out of life isn't important. Maybe knowing exactly what needs to be done next isn't that important. Maybe not knowing where I'm headed might turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. Tonight, I read about your lives and I admire you for knowing what you plan to do next and for being so together. Maybe someday, you might look back at the path I've taken and admire me in return for having tried things that you would never attempt because "it just wasn't in the plan". Maybe.