Revelation

I couldn't sleep well last night, my mind still reeling with shock at the fact that my friend had died at such a young age. At around 7 am, i gave up and decided to do the philosophical thing - I chain smoked.

Now, why do we philosophers like to chain smoke especially when we havn't slept well? No, its not because we have a death wish and nope, its not because I have a hidden agenda against the wellbeing of my lungs. Its because its times like this that this sense of surrealism creeps over you and you suddenly feel brilliant. Everything comes to you in a bright flash and you become so much more receptive to new ideas.

So there I was, sitting and quietly smoking in the dark, thinking about the meaning of our lives, death and more examples of existentialistic metaphysics. When finally, it all became so clear to me and I finally knew what I had to do with my life.

I have to go on a diet.

Before you protest at my lameness, let me explain. There IS a method to my madness.

1) In this age of equality where females have easily caught up with the males, finally achieving the long desired equality, its about time we males started fighting back for pole position. In my humble opinion, the females have already surpassed us males. This is more true in Singapore than perhaps any other country in the world. (You want proof? Go to any Irish pub at Boat Quay. See how popular ang mohs are compared to the chinese. The cool ang moh guy who sits at the bar counter (easier to check out the hot local specimens) and speaks with a nice slang is waaaay cooler than the poor chink schmuck who sits in a dark corner, nursing a bourbon coke and nudging his friend every few mins going, "ooi, chio bu. hurry up see - wah... chio hor?") In Singapore, we men are terribly undesirable and unwanted (which is probably why I respect Mah Bow Tan and Adrian Pang. They are the original SPBs. The Sarong Party Boys.) and are lagging far behind in terms of equality. Now, I'm in no position to set up an organisation like AWARE (hmm if i do, can i call it PENIS? Protection of the Endangered Not-so Intelligent Species?) - after all, i'm just one insignificant member of society.So by going on a diet (which previously was the domain of tai tais and socialites with too much time on their hands), I can strike my little score for the little man. (On further inspection, that sentence seems disgusting. Oh and a further disclaimer, it ain't little.)

2) Life in general is painfully transient. For all I know, an incurable tumour might be taking seed in the my already ruined body. If that were to happen, I would want people to remember me when i die as being a sweet and considerate person. Now being the considerate person that i am, i wouldn't want the poor coffin bearer to buckle under the weight of the cofin. See, if he buckles, the coffin might crash down on his foot, causing him to become a cripple for life. Being crippled certainly puts a crimp in being a coffin bearer, so indirectly, I've caused him to lose his job. Now, our poor jobless hero sits at home alone, night after night, getting more and more depressed because he goes down to his local pub every night, sits in a dark corner, nursing a bourbon coke and nudging his friend every few mins going, "ooi, chio bu. hurry up see - wah... chio hor?" - yet everytime he tries to pick a girl up at a pub, she laughes in his face. (For proof, see point 1 above) Depression eventually causes our hero to hit the beers excessively, leading him to eventually die of a coronary attack. Years of determined alcohol abuse leads to him being excessively overweight, and HIS coffin falls on a brand new coffin bearer and the cycle begins again. Now, I most definitely do not want to be remembered for all eternity as the one who started this cycle - hence, i must diet.

3) The final and most important point is because I've on more than one occasion caught my dear girlfriend looking at my old NS photos wistfully. Where did it all go? I mean, one moment, you are a lean mean 1.85 m tall 80kg dude in National Service, able to do the 2.4km run in 9-plus minutes. The next moment, your idea of an workout is playing overnight mahjong (arm exercises) or playing football games on the Xbox (I still believe in the old adage, mind over body. if my mind thinks that i'm playing football, my body might too and respond accordingly. If this works, I'll package the training secrets and make a bloody fortune). In addition, I've promised to help out my friend in coaching this secondary school rugby team at a rugby camp this Dec. I would be absolutely humiliated if a pimply 14 year old outruns me. I might die of shame. Seriously.

If you manage to catch a glimpse of my long lost abs, please inform me of their whereabouts. They were last seen wandering around aimlessly at Kranji Camp.

Remembrance

Dear Fengji,

well, we were never the best of friends. I guess this could have been down to the fact that I was somewhat of a wild child while you were the typical good student who had a keen interest in computers.

Remember how our paths crossed? I was 16 then - young and wildly ambitious. I had set out to set up a fan club for NUFC in Singapore. I spotted Dave wearing a NUFC jersey at the Bt Merah library and he promptly became the 2nd member of the fan club. You however, found out about us on your own accord. You, my friend, became the 3rd member of the NUFC Singapore. How far we've come since then huh, mate? Today, we boast of having over 200 members in the fan club and your name stands proudly beside mine on the society and business registration license. Remember how in those days when we first started out, website creation was still a very new concept (well, to me at least) and you very kindly offered your personal NUFC shrine as our official website? In a way, you were my first graphic designer too.

You very quickly became an intergral part of NUFC Singapore. You were a permanent fixture at all our club gatherings and were a keen member of the NUFCSG football club. Remember how we would share a cab home after Sunday trainings? We would go out with the other lads for a quick bite before grabbing the first cab that came along, thus ensuring that you and I could get home before Keegan, just so we could tease him about living in a shithole. Whenever I needed help in a computer game, I would turn to you, because there wasn't a game that you didn't know a little bit about.

When I finally set up my modelling agency, it was also you that put me in touch with the right people over at NTU, enabling my ability to establish a small foothold there. For that, I thank you and I sincerely regret the fact that I won't be able to return the favour.

But more importantly, I respect you immensely. Without the shadow of a doubt, you were the biggest Newcastle fan in Singapore. Even more so than me. Your entire life revolved around NUFC. I have never seen a more dedicated fan than yourself, and for that, please take a bow. After every single match, you would be the one to download each and every impressive move carried out by a player in the black and white jersey. You would be the one at every single match gathering there was. If the fan club were one huge body, then my friend, you would certainly be the heart right in the centre of it all.

Tonight, during the match, the board members stood in front of the club at half time and I gave a speech in your honour. If you were listening in, I meant every single word of it all. Heck, we even observed the customary one minute silence for you. Keegan was inconsolable because your presence meant so much to us. We the pioneer batch - we were the first few. Remember how you, Dave, Keegan, Tiyok and myself would sit outside 7-11 at Peninsula Plaza, having some supper after the latest NUFC match? Now I'm sorry to say that we won't ever be together again.

However, I didn't cry. I didn't even shed a single tear over your death mate. Keegan did, as did John. But I couldn't bring myself to. In a way, I was more frustrated than anything else. Why is it that out of 200 ******* members in a fan club that YOU helped set up, nobody knew that you had passed away until today. Why did I have to be first to find out? Believe me, shocks like this, I do not enjoy. When you're 23, you do not expect to hear news of your friend passing away. If you're 64, yes. Not when you're 23. And even less so when the one who has has passed away is merely turning 24 in a few days.

More importantly, I was frustrated at you. What problems were you facing that you felt that you simply had to end it all? Was there really no alternative route? Couldn't you have come to any of us? We might not have been able to help, whatever it was, but we sure as hell would have tried. Instead, you chose to take the easy way by committing suicide. And for that, I couldn't help but feel irritated at you. For giving up. For viewing life so cheaply. And most of all, for hurting the people who cared by leaving them behind. You were the only son and merely one semester away from graduating with honours. What were you going through?

John messaged me tonight, telling me he broke down when he got home and realised that you were going to be offline forever. I still havn't shed a tear as yet and I probably won't But FJ, wherever you are, take care of yourself. And I really meant every single thing I said tonight. I honestly feel as if I've lost a fellow fan, a wonderful board member and most importantly, a great friend. So goodbye FJ. Wherever you may be.

"Ahm coming home Newcastle,
Ah might as well ay been in jail,
Ahd waalk the streets, Ahl be alreet,
For ay bottle ay ye own Brown Ale,
Ahm coming home Newcastle,
If ye never win the Cup again,
Ahl brave the dark at St. James's Park,
At the Gallowgate End in the rain,
Ahm coming home...

May you forever find your peace, at the gallowgate end, my dear friend..."

in memory, GFJ. 01/09/81 - 24/08/05