Revelation

I couldn't sleep well last night, my mind still reeling with shock at the fact that my friend had died at such a young age. At around 7 am, i gave up and decided to do the philosophical thing - I chain smoked.

Now, why do we philosophers like to chain smoke especially when we havn't slept well? No, its not because we have a death wish and nope, its not because I have a hidden agenda against the wellbeing of my lungs. Its because its times like this that this sense of surrealism creeps over you and you suddenly feel brilliant. Everything comes to you in a bright flash and you become so much more receptive to new ideas.

So there I was, sitting and quietly smoking in the dark, thinking about the meaning of our lives, death and more examples of existentialistic metaphysics. When finally, it all became so clear to me and I finally knew what I had to do with my life.

I have to go on a diet.

Before you protest at my lameness, let me explain. There IS a method to my madness.

1) In this age of equality where females have easily caught up with the males, finally achieving the long desired equality, its about time we males started fighting back for pole position. In my humble opinion, the females have already surpassed us males. This is more true in Singapore than perhaps any other country in the world. (You want proof? Go to any Irish pub at Boat Quay. See how popular ang mohs are compared to the chinese. The cool ang moh guy who sits at the bar counter (easier to check out the hot local specimens) and speaks with a nice slang is waaaay cooler than the poor chink schmuck who sits in a dark corner, nursing a bourbon coke and nudging his friend every few mins going, "ooi, chio bu. hurry up see - wah... chio hor?") In Singapore, we men are terribly undesirable and unwanted (which is probably why I respect Mah Bow Tan and Adrian Pang. They are the original SPBs. The Sarong Party Boys.) and are lagging far behind in terms of equality. Now, I'm in no position to set up an organisation like AWARE (hmm if i do, can i call it PENIS? Protection of the Endangered Not-so Intelligent Species?) - after all, i'm just one insignificant member of society.So by going on a diet (which previously was the domain of tai tais and socialites with too much time on their hands), I can strike my little score for the little man. (On further inspection, that sentence seems disgusting. Oh and a further disclaimer, it ain't little.)

2) Life in general is painfully transient. For all I know, an incurable tumour might be taking seed in the my already ruined body. If that were to happen, I would want people to remember me when i die as being a sweet and considerate person. Now being the considerate person that i am, i wouldn't want the poor coffin bearer to buckle under the weight of the cofin. See, if he buckles, the coffin might crash down on his foot, causing him to become a cripple for life. Being crippled certainly puts a crimp in being a coffin bearer, so indirectly, I've caused him to lose his job. Now, our poor jobless hero sits at home alone, night after night, getting more and more depressed because he goes down to his local pub every night, sits in a dark corner, nursing a bourbon coke and nudging his friend every few mins going, "ooi, chio bu. hurry up see - wah... chio hor?" - yet everytime he tries to pick a girl up at a pub, she laughes in his face. (For proof, see point 1 above) Depression eventually causes our hero to hit the beers excessively, leading him to eventually die of a coronary attack. Years of determined alcohol abuse leads to him being excessively overweight, and HIS coffin falls on a brand new coffin bearer and the cycle begins again. Now, I most definitely do not want to be remembered for all eternity as the one who started this cycle - hence, i must diet.

3) The final and most important point is because I've on more than one occasion caught my dear girlfriend looking at my old NS photos wistfully. Where did it all go? I mean, one moment, you are a lean mean 1.85 m tall 80kg dude in National Service, able to do the 2.4km run in 9-plus minutes. The next moment, your idea of an workout is playing overnight mahjong (arm exercises) or playing football games on the Xbox (I still believe in the old adage, mind over body. if my mind thinks that i'm playing football, my body might too and respond accordingly. If this works, I'll package the training secrets and make a bloody fortune). In addition, I've promised to help out my friend in coaching this secondary school rugby team at a rugby camp this Dec. I would be absolutely humiliated if a pimply 14 year old outruns me. I might die of shame. Seriously.

If you manage to catch a glimpse of my long lost abs, please inform me of their whereabouts. They were last seen wandering around aimlessly at Kranji Camp.